Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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