Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
i am craving dick and cupcakes
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize