Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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