My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
