Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize