I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
