I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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