some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
