i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
