He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
And then the night went full on bisexual.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
FUCK WHALES
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