my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
