You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Just cropdusted the office
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
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