I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
