I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
