someone threw a dead crab at me
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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