hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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