Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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