what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
You smell like stripper and shame
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
