you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
