I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Sext me about skeletons
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
why is half of my head shaved?
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
