the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
