After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Your penis caused this!
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
