There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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