i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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