and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
