Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
