where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
