Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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