I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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