I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
