she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
