My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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