Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
