This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
