I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
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