I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Panties = found
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
