somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
