he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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