I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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