so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize
