Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
