Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
