i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
