Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
