I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I am never drinking with the goths again.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
