my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
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