yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
You did what with his pubic hair?
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