Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
