My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Randomize
