He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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