I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
