Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
