Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
