Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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