Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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