I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
