FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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