someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Randomize
