afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize