chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
