So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
