I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
Randomize
