a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Randomize
