life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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