The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
