"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize