Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I think we might need a safe word for this...
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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