i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I could fuck to npr.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
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