she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I need to calm my uterus...
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Randomize
